I always wonder if people ever even read this stuff. Here I am, an average(?) Mom, trying to make sense out of life for myself and enough of some part of something to pass on to my children.
It is a Tuesday, and I didn't go to Ladie's Bible Study with the humble motive of not wanting anyone in our group to get the illness that I have had for the last week or so.
These ladies are a lifeline for me. Prayer Warriors. Guidance and Biblical advisors helping me in the direction I need to go. Starting out as a huge group with our Pastor's wife meeting at the church on Thursdays, these few wanted to keep a group going within our homes. I was invited. My Mom-In-Law is with me and I would like to believe we are very close. You see, we are involved with a Spiritual battle of epic proportions regarding her son, also my husband.
My husband is still involved with this church. I have read their literature. I have heard their preaching. I have studied and seriously considered their points of view. It does not line up with the Bible. It is a line of understanding that I can't see justified. It is false and misleading and destructive. My husband has been deceived into thinking he has been specifically called. I can't understand any of their perspective because I haven't been called, is what he tells me.
I had believed this junk would be resolved a long time ago (see previous entries for more understanding). It exists still and has caused much heartache and pain in me and my children. We aren't allowed to do this. We are wrong on that thinking. We don't participate in that anymore. That isn't what that Scripture means. I had to decide what side of the fence I was on and why, and stay there. So I did. I went back to the church my husband and I met, got married, and started a family at. I have gained friends, support and many prayers.
I have stated my position with my husband. He knows although I cannot go along with this church's ways, that I would not stand in the way of what he feels is God's call on his life. I have made it clear that I fully believe one day he will find something within this teaching that is so blatantly obvious against the Word of God and we would be waiting. I have done a lot of time on my knees before I finally had help realizing this isn't my battle. It is between God and Satan. A Spiritual battle.
My husband won't listen to reason and even when presented with a different view, completely rejects it. He is currently unemployed and isn't even trying to find a job. He has gotten many leads, but refuses to check on them and lies about it. He does as little as possible every day. He sits around and watched NCIS, for sometimes up to 12 hours, and other violent programs. He sits on the couch and watches television and looks up stuff on the internet. Questionable things. Watches political channels and then calls representatives and belittles them and yells at them. Rarely does he even bother to get dressed in more than shorts or underware. He has turned into someone I don't recognize anymore. Depression? I think it's more than that.
I have been pretty much staying in the basement during 99% of the time I am awake. I don't want to watch death and violence all the time. Listen to the news for hours and hours. He finally got smart and turned off his search history on his computer. But he isn't kidding anyone but himself.
Yesterday, we had a talk. He spoke with a Pastor from this church. I repeated everything I had mentioned before (in case he forgot or thought I changed my mind). We have agreed to peacefully agree to disagree. And then, this morning, I got to thinking. What kind of life is this? What kind of life is it when you are not equally yoked (but were when you got married)? You don't spend any holidays together. You don't go to church on Sundays together. You don't pray together anymore. Why does my husband not see this church sees it as okay and acceptable that it is keeping us apart? Is that Biblical? I guess it would be harder if he treated me well. But he doesn't. This relationship sucks. I am trying to stay in line with the Word, but it is hard and sometimes I have to take it one second to the next. Then I get days when peace reigns in my home. I am grateful for those days. VERY, VERY GRATEFUL.
I am expecting too much when I think he should help me when he is laid off work. But he wants to do as little as possible and with as little effort as possible. In everything. He would be more than happy if he could stay home and let me work. He wants to have his own business, but he would have to show me he can do more than barely nothing. I really think he has no concept of what it would take to run a business. He thinks he can start one and hire everyone to do everything for him. There isn't even any common sense let along business sense. He won't even acknowledge his responsibilities as a man, or homeowner, or husband. No taking out the trash, feeding his dog, interacting with his two young boys. Resents anything he does land up HAVING to do. I really believed I married someone who wanted to take care of me. I should of seen the warning signs....
So here we are. Leading seperate lives together. I don't know what to do. I know what it was like to have a Dad for a while and then not have one. It destroyed our family. I don't want to put my boys through that. I believe it is God's call on my life to teach my children at home. But at what cost? Is this all there is? Having to pick the best of two evils? Which hell would you choose?