Which Hell Would You Choose?

I always wonder if people ever even read this stuff. Here I am, an average(?) Mom, trying to make sense out of life for myself and enough of some part of something to pass on to my children.

It is a Tuesday, and I didn't go to Ladie's Bible Study with the humble motive of not wanting anyone in our group to get the illness that I have had for the last week or so.

These ladies are a lifeline for me. Prayer Warriors. Guidance and Biblical advisors helping me in the direction I need to go. Starting out as a huge group with our Pastor's wife meeting at the church on Thursdays, these few wanted to keep a group going within our homes. I was invited. My Mom-In-Law is with me and I would like to believe we are very close. You see, we are involved with a Spiritual battle of epic proportions regarding her son, also my husband.

My husband is still involved with this church. I have read their literature. I have heard their preaching. I have studied and seriously considered their points of view. It does not line up with the Bible. It is a line of understanding that I can't see justified. It is false and misleading and destructive. My husband has been deceived into thinking he has been specifically called. I can't understand any of their perspective because I haven't been called, is what he tells me.

I had believed this junk would be resolved a long time ago (see previous entries for more understanding). It exists still and has caused much heartache and pain in me and my children. We aren't allowed to do this. We are wrong on that thinking. We don't participate in that anymore. That isn't what that Scripture means. I had to decide what side of the fence I was on and why, and stay there. So I did. I went back to the church my husband and I met, got married, and started a family at. I have gained friends, support and many prayers. 

I have stated my position with my husband. He knows although I cannot go along with this church's ways, that I would not stand in the way of what he feels is God's call on his life. I have made it clear that I fully believe one day he will find something within this teaching that is so blatantly obvious against the Word of God and we would be waiting. I have done a lot of time on my knees before I finally had help realizing this isn't my battle. It is between God and Satan. A Spiritual battle.

My husband won't listen to reason and even when presented with a different view, completely rejects it. He is currently unemployed and isn't even trying to find a job. He has gotten many leads, but refuses to check on them and lies about it. He does as little as possible every day. He sits around and watched NCIS, for sometimes up to 12 hours, and other violent programs. He sits on the couch and watches television and looks up stuff on the internet. Questionable things. Watches political channels and then calls representatives and belittles them and yells at them. Rarely does he even bother to get dressed in more than shorts or underware. He has turned into someone I don't recognize anymore. Depression? I think it's more than that.

I have been pretty much staying in the basement during 99% of the time I am awake. I don't want to watch death and violence all the time. Listen to the news for hours and hours. He finally got smart and turned off his search history on his computer. But he isn't kidding anyone but himself.

Yesterday, we had a talk. He spoke with a Pastor from this church. I repeated everything I had mentioned before (in case he forgot or thought I changed my mind). We have agreed to peacefully agree to disagree. And then, this morning, I got to thinking. What kind of life is this? What kind of life is it when you are not equally yoked (but were when you got married)? You don't spend any holidays together. You don't go to church on Sundays together. You don't pray together anymore. Why does my husband not see this church sees it as okay and acceptable that it is keeping us apart? Is that Biblical? I guess it would be harder if he treated me well. But he doesn't. This relationship sucks. I am trying to stay in line with the Word, but it is hard and sometimes I have to take it one second to the next. Then I get days when peace reigns in my home. I am grateful for those days. VERY, VERY GRATEFUL.

I am expecting too much when I think he should help me when he is laid off work. But he wants to do as little as possible and with as little effort as possible. In everything. He would be more than happy if he could stay home and let me work. He wants to have his own business, but he would have to show me he can do more than barely nothing. I really think he has no concept of what it would take to run a business. He thinks he can start one and hire everyone to do everything for him. There isn't even any common sense let along business sense. He won't even acknowledge his responsibilities as a man, or homeowner, or husband. No taking out the trash, feeding his dog, interacting with his two young boys. Resents anything he does land up HAVING to do. I really believed I married someone who wanted to take care of me. I should of seen the warning signs....

So here we are. Leading seperate lives together. I don't know what to do. I know what it was like to have a Dad for a while and then not have one. It destroyed our family. I don't want to put my boys through that. I believe it is God's call on my life to teach my children at home. But at what cost? Is this all there is? Having to pick the best of two evils? Which hell would you choose? 

Welcome to my back porch!

I am done with my hutch! I love to sit on my porch and surf the web, create menu plans and a grocery list, browse for recipes to try this month, contemplate and daydream, pray.
We have been blessed today with NINE new adoptees-a neighbor brought over nine fish to move into our backyard pond! This couple is not setting up their pond this year so they offered their fish! They seem to be adjusting well to our water and our other fish-I think we have between 23-30 now! The boys are so excited!

Well, here is an updated photo of the hutch-

And here are some more pics of my porch-

Now, the blue "sofa" is what Icall it, is another gift from same people who gave us the fish. I refinished four  other pieces last year (the ones painted white). These were bright pink, yellow, orange and purple. The Sofa was in the front yard until now. All of this furniture was to be "burn pile fodder" and I am so grateful they offered it to us! Now I have seating for many people!

Of course, the cushions (I got those for $5.00 a piece off-season at Walmart!!!) won't be sitting all katty-wampus! But I was trying out the best ways to rearrange the furniture so #1-it would all fit, #2-we could still get around it, and #3-it made sense conversationally (is that even a word?) for guests. I still have to move the dining table outside after re-doing it, too. It is an old steel formica topped shop table that I want to redo in, of course, white. Again, gotta love Krylon!

There is also a planter I am painting that holds a large boston fern for that plant stand between the wicker chairs. That "plant stand" is also a freebie that is actually a table pedestal. Redone, in white, of course...

I also found some wicker hanging lamps at Goodwill last year that I also want to hang. A few things left to put on the wall, and I am done! Maybe instead of moving all the furniture off the patio to redo the sofa, I'll take the sofa and do it on the lawn.

I refuse to put down the outdoor carpets until my husband installs the doors so I don't have to vacuum 24/7 because of the dogs.

Today, my men went to Grandma's and I got some alone time. What do I do with it? Go clean up the backyard....

But then I also got to sit and watch the new fishies get acclimated. For a long time. A LONG time. Then I came in and got a shower and played on Big Fish Games.

Warmer Temps Bring DIY-ers Outside!

Here is what is on the agenda for the next few months. I say months, because I have been under the weather for the last month. Don't know exactly what I had/have, but it involves coughing, sleeplessness, runny nose and green and yellow-and I ain't talkin' the colors of Spring here!

Well, now that I have thoroughly grossed you out, here is a pic of the hutch I am about to re-do-

And this is my inspiration taken from the web as to what I would like to do with it-

Now, the people who know me are probably shocked to see it isn't something ALL WHITE (white is my favorite color, and YES, it IS a color-you can add it to anything and it changes the original color to something else, which, to me, means it can hold it's own being classified as a color!)
I was also really tickled pink to see that Ace Hardware gave me a second chance at getting that pretty blue paint for free! I had seen an ad for a free quart of paint just for the asking on a Saturday. Well, that Saturday came and went with me feeling so sick, not even free paint would lure me out. But then, lo and behold, the NEXT Saturday, they ran the same promo and I got my Clark & Kensington Paint + Primer In One, in Better Homes and Gardens Seaside Classic Blue-for FREE! (Did I mention, free?)

So here it goes, fellow DIY-ers and Bloggers, I am now officially going to be held accountable for this transformation. There is a lot of work to be done about it, too. I have to sand the dang thing and fill in holes with putty and then sand them. I would like to change the hardware on this hutch to something more like a knob than a pull. Maybe even something nautical in design. The perfect ones are waiting for me at Carol Beach Knobs dot com.

A few of the stores around here are getting in Nautically-inclined pretties. Big Lots has some incredible items that I would like as well as Family Dollar and Dollar General. I have acquired many items off of Ebay and many I have just had around the house or in storage. Here is just a sampling-

This is stuff from last year that I plan on using. I will post more pretties later on. Stay tuned! Gotta go outside and clean up the front yard and get the little water feature going-he looks and sounds so wonderful! You can enjoy a picture of him here-

HEADLINES: Warmer Temps Bring DIY-ers Outside

Here is what is on the agenda for the next few months. I say months, because I have been under the weather for the last month. Don't know exactly what I had/have, but it involves coughing, sleeplessness, runny nose and green and yellow-and I ain't talkin' the colors of Spring here!

Well, now that I have thoroughly grossed you out, here is a pic of the hutch I am about to re-do-

And this is my inspiration taken from the web as to what I would like to do with it-

Now, the people who know me are probably shocked to see it isn't something ALL WHITE (white is my favorite color, and YES, it IS a color-you can add it to anything and it changes the original color to something else, which, to me, means it can hold it's own being classified as a color!)
I was also really tickled pink to see that Ace Hardware gave me a second chance at getting that pretty blue paint for free! I had seen an ad for a free quart of paint just for the asking on a Saturday. Well, that Saturday came and went with me feeling so sick, not even free paint would lure me out. But then, lo and behold, the NEXT Saturday, they ran the same promo and I got my Clark & Kensington Paint + Primer In One, in Better Homes and Gardens Seaside Classic Blue-for FREE! (Did I mention, free?)

So here it goes, fellow DIY-ers and Bloggers, I am now officially going to be held accountable for this transformation. There is a lot of work to be done about it, too. I have to sand the dang thing and fill in holes with putty and then sand them. I would like to change the hardware on this hutch to something more like a knob than a pull. Maybe even something nautical in design. The perfect ones are waiting for me at Carol Beach Knobs dot com.

A few of the stores around here are getting in Nautically-inclined pretties. Big Lots has some incredible items that I would like as well as Family Dollar and Dollar General. I have acquired many items off of Ebay and many I have just had around the house or in storage. Here is just a sampling-

This is stuff from last year that I plan on using. I will post more pretties later on. Stay tuned! Gotta go outside and clean up the front yard and get the little water feature going-he looks and sounds so wonderful! You can enjoy a picture of him here-

New Hair-do?

I am contemplating updating my feminine side a little more by getting a perm. Apparently, all of the angst I had been harboring about my last trip to Bo-Rics was all for naught. Here's the story:

Many, many moons ago, I had wanted, for years, to get a Spiral Perm after seeing one on someone who had the same length hair as I did at that time-it was beautiful! Went to Bo-Rics and more than a hundred dollars later, I came out with nothing close to those Deborah Messing type curls I expected. I had even asked the beautician why she wasn't using spiral rods. Well, long story short, they re-did it and it came out again just like the first one. I was very upset. This is one of the many reasons I have only been to a salon/hair place maybe, three times in my whole 45+ years!

I have done my own hair in the past and it has always come out exactly like I have wanted it to, and I seemed to have forgotten this fact until recently (I blame having children for this type of behavior!) I decided to stop at Sally Beauty Supply and see what they would have to say. The young lady with blue accents in her hair told me that you don't get Deborah Messing curls with a Spiral Perm. (I beg to differ, but...)
Sally Beauty Supply has all kinds of perm rods there and apparently, it is the size of the roller and how you roll it is what determines the outcome.

How could I forget? I used to give myself perms years ago and they were body perms with 3/4" rods and my hair always was full of body and loose curls. So I have been harboring this dislike for many years when I apparently got what I asked for at Bo-Rics. No one mentioned what I SHOULD of asked for, but it is time to forgive and forget. I cut all my hair off after that incident, thinking it would get rid of the reason I was angry with these people. Now my hair has grown back out for many years now and it is time to do something with it.

Blue streak lady mentioned to go online and look up on you/tube for different rolling techniques to find what I wanted and then come back and get the perm and rollers. Gotta go do some research-stay tuned! (and wish me luck!)

Coming to a head

Not much to report about Christmas. Not worth the trouble it caused when I got home and the next day. Given ultimatums, things packed and ready to go, hurtful words thrown at me, threats made, realization of what my husband is facing with us leaving led to prayers and forgiveness on both our parts, and have left us in limbo. He is willing to leave us behind. Much needed break apart for now. Lots of snow. And prayer. We will have to address this sooner or later, but for now, peace reigns. Whole family on both sides backing me up...infinitely grateful......

Hope...

That is what I see this season as-hope. I am trying to leave things in God's hands as I wait, hopeful, that things will change in my husband's heart and things will go back to the ways they were. But then something will happen that makes it all go back downhill again-but not lately. So I remain hopeful..in the spirit of the season that I hold so dear, that things will return to their rightful destiny for our little family. I will be joining my husband's family next Sunday as people all around the world celebrate, but without my husband. I don't know what I will say before I go, or when, but I do know that the boys and I are going. I might not go bearing gifts, but only with an extremely grateful heart that I can be with these people who have taught me the meaning of family and what it means to give to one another and support one another. And I will praise God all the way there and all the way back, that next year, my husband will be by my side, joining me and the family in all the season was meant to be...